But seriously, muskoxen are awesome

Puzzled by the president’s recent interest in purchasing Greenland? Yeah, me too. Fortunately, the internet is a veritable treasure trove of inaccurate unreliable poorly-sourced easy-to-find information, and it was but the work of a few minutes and one too many blue raspberry Eegees to track down the top reasons Donald Trump wants to buy Greenland.

1. It’s the largest country on the map in the Situation Room.
2. Not enough muskoxen at Mar-a-Lago.
3. If he doesn’t act now, those damn liberals might amend the Constitution to prohibit buying and selling people.
4. Sea ice futures. They’re a thing.
5. The Flores settlement only applies to holding families in detention, not to abandoning them on Arctic islands.
6. Obama never tried to buy an autonomous Danish territory, now, did he?
7. No one on the moon will return the president’s calls.
8. He called dibs, so there.