If this were a saga, Paris would die in book three

And Iris came on Helen in her rooms …
weaving a growing web, a dark red folding robe,
working into the weft the bloody struggles
stallion-breaking Trojans and Argives armed in bronze
had suffered all for her at the god of battle’s hands.

Book 3 being the book in which we meet Helen, who I found I disliked less than I remembered–but I think my memories may all actually come from The Odyssey. It turns out the troops aren’t the only ones tired of this war–Helen, as far as I can tell, wants it over too–longs to go back home to her first husband and her other family and friends, and is none too pleased with Paris these days.

She has some reason for this. Because the main thing going on in this book is that Paris challenges Menelaus to single combat to end the war. The men all seem almost as happy with this as with running away back to their ships. But Aphrodite, not so much–when Paris is clearly about to die, Aphrodite swoops Paris away off the battlefield, back to his scented room. Another man might storm right back onto that battlefield and challenge Menelaus once more, rather than let more men die because of him. That man never would have abducted Helen in the first place though, most likely.

This man stays happily abed and Aphrodite, who of course is totally on board with this plan, makes Helen join him there. Helen is none too happy about that, either:

“So, home from the wars!
Oh would to god you’d died there, brought down
by that great soldier, my husband long ago.
And how you used to boast year in, year out,
that you were the better man than fighting Menelaus.”

It may be just me, but this doesn’t sound like someone who’s still in love.

But Paris doesn’t quite seem to get it:

“This time, true,
Menelaus has won the day, thanks to Athena.
I’ll bring him down tomorrow.
Even we have gods who battle on our side. But come–
let’s go to bed, let’s lose ourselves in love!
Never has longing overwhelmed me so,
no, not even then, I tell you, that first time
when I swept you up from the lovely hills of Lacedaemon …
That was nothing to how I hunger for you now–
irresistable longing lays me low!”

In summary: Paris wants sex. Helen wants him to go to hell. Any guesses as to whose will prevails?

Outside, Menelaus stalks the lines, trying to figure out where his single-combat opponent has gotten to. And we all have a pretty good suspicion more Greeks and Trojans are going to die before Paris rouses himself out of bed again.