Mind you, following this advice might well weaken the story. But if you’re a fictional character, you can’t afford to care about that. Your life is at stake, and you have more important concerns than making the writer or readers happy. You and the author, you’re not on the same side. Never forget this.
The Fictional Character’s Survival Guide
If you can’t be the hero of the story, make sure you’re a minor character. The hero has a good chance of surviving. So does the mailman. But the secondary sidekick is probably toast. (janni) But make sure you’re not too minor a character. Then you become easy to kill again. In other words, don’t be so minor/barely noticeable that you make convenient cannon fodder. (janni) Don’t be so compelling that your death would make for good story. (janni) Make sure you’re not the only character without a last name. If everyone else is named something like Julio Alberto Salvador de Dominica Y Espana and your name is Pablo, you’re toast. (pbray) Don’t be a teacher or mentor. (janni, (tiellan) Don’t be a scientist in possession of both a deadly virus and incredible hubris. (agilemonotreme) If you’re the character that people love to hate, learn a valuable lesson about life, friendship, etc. (_twilight_; but coffeeem cautions that this might make one a good candidate for dying tragically, too.) Don’t be anyone’s beloved pet. (_twilight_, (tiellan) Be a first person narrator (not fully reliable in SF and fantasy stories). (djonn)
Be a character in a funny novel or story; they tend to have much less risk of death than characters in action/adventure novels, murder mysteries, thrillers, and so forth. (djonn) Stay out of all forms of spy novels and thrillers unless you have an ironclad contract as either (a) the comic relief, or (b) technical support for the protagonist (i.e. supplying gadgets, historical briefings, etc.) (djonn) If you are a pulp adventure fiction character, do not be polite and well-spoken. If you are, you’re the villain, and the trash-talking uncouth hero will throw you into your own tiger pit at the end of the (very short, we’re-talking-Ace-doubles-here) novel. Also true for cheesy adventure movies and serials. (coffeeem) No one in a horror novel is safe, with the possible exception of the Ultimate Evil Force opposing the protagonist, who never dies for good no matter how often the protagonist or the author thinks otherwise. (djonn)
Don’t invade Earth (tiellan) Don’t sell out your country to the aliens in order to save your own neck (tiellan) Don’t fall head over heels in love with a young foreigner after your spouse dumps you (tiellan) If you’re a tired old cop with only a few weeks left on the job, and your supervisor tries to partner you with a still-wet-behind-the-ears young hotshot on his first day with the force, consider spraining your ankle on the front steps of the station house and getting reassigned to desk duty for the duration. (malkingrey) Don’t stop being useful. Some writers will kill you as soon as your job is done. If your job isn’t that important, or someone else can do it, find a better job, because then you’re still dead. (jmeadows) Be irreplaceable. “Sure, the protagonist can pilot the starship, and shoot like an Olympic champion, and is guaranteed to win every space dogfight ever under any circumstance. But does she know the greeting rituals of the SooKooChi tribe, without which it will be impossible to get through the jungle to the giant idol of Kaplooi and steal the fabled gem that is its eye? No? Then she’d better be nice to me.” (coffeeem)
Don’t have a major fight with your significant other the day you have to go off to war (tiellan) Don’t get anybody pregnant before going to war — use protection! (tiellan) But if you are impregnated by the hero/sidekick/minor character, you stand a pretty good chance of surviving — so don’t use protection! (Just understand that your baby’s father will likely not see his child born.) (tiellan) If you’re about to go into battle, or on a dangerous mission of any kind, don’t show anybody the photo of your sweetheart you’ve been carrying with you in your wallet all this time. If it’s your wife’s picture, you’re somewhat safer, provided you didn’t get her knocked up on your last home leave and she’s just written to you with the happy news. (malkingrey) Don’t have an affair with a prominent member of a long running TV series. (j_cheney) In books, the survival rates may be better than in movies, but where romance is involved, it’s always best, from a survival perspective, to proceed with caution. (janni)
The hotter you are, the longer you’ll live. Dress accordingly. (blackholly) Always stand behind the guy wearing the red shirt. (jonathanmoeller) Don’t wear a red shirt goes without saying. That’s part of the character survival school’s entrance exam. They don’t take hopeless cases. (janni)
Be the sleuth. You are likely to be attacked but very, very seldom will you actually die. (aranel) Don’t be someone who (1) knows something the sleuth doesn’t but hasn’t yet revealed it, or (2) the red herring the reader suspects till very nearly the end of the book. (aranel) It’s relatively safe to be the killer–certainly moreso than being an innocent suspect or other innocent connected with the crime. (aranel) Unlike in certain other genres, being the sleuth’s longtime sidekick or friend has a very low death risk. (aranel) Be the character the protagonist is trying desperately to clear of the murder. You may go through severe physical or emotional situations, but most of the time you’ll survive to keep the protagonist motivated. (djonn) All told, being a character in a murder mystery is surprisingly safe route to go. In spite of the murder part. (janni)
Whatever you do, don’t work for the main villain. If you can’t be villain #1, it’s a really poor choice to be a bad guy at all. (aranel) Romance novel villains have a far better chance of survival if they avoid deflowering, molesting, or physically injuring the heroine. (djonn) Choose an Evil Goal that does not require the death or permanent removal of the protagonist. The number of times you can almost conquer the world and survive is much larger than the number of times you can engage in death-duels with the protagonist and survive. (djonn) A villain with a sense of style, wit, and/or humor will live longer than a villain who is merely a ruthless psychopath (except in a horror story). (djonn) Don’t make alliances with allegedly higher evil powers (demons, elder gods, shadowy councils of Illuminati); such powers tend to react badly to failure, and will kill you on a whim without even giving you a properly dramatic death scene. (djonn)
Make friends with the beta readers. I once planned to kill off a character but was prevented from doing so by my first reader who vowed to go on permanent strike. (pbray) Don’t disagree with the writer’s political beliefs. (dsgood) Or do. (coffeeem) As in certain real life situations, it may be safest to avoid the subject if politics entirely. (janni) If you’ve only got one day left before retirement, or only one mission left before you’re due to get rotated out of the combat zone, whatever you do, don’t let the author know. (malkingrey) Make a case for a sequel … starring you. (jmeadows)